How Hip Hop Saved My life
In some ways, I can barley remember what life was like before Hip Hop Music, So many dope things have happened since I discovered the Art of Rap
In fact before I started writing raps over Hip Hop tracks I would have considered myself a lost soul full of depression, anger, frustration, and low self esteem,
The thing is Hip Hop litteraly saved my life.
How so? Well…. Here’s the hard part of my journey thats hard to share but it’s necessary .
Growing up in a racist state like Southern Mississippi I always thought of myself as less than or not good enough to accomplish anything worth while
As a young child, I would always be in an depressing suicidal mood, so depressing that even in elementary I
would always question why do I feel this way? I felt like I couldn’t control it it also seemed to be getting stronger.
Sometimes in a fit of rage I would yell out “I want to kill myself” I would tell my mother but I could tell she didn’t quite understand. I knew my mother loved me but I think she would not take me seriously being that I was So young or maybe felt I didn’t have the courage to do something like that to myself. I couldn’t get her to understand how I was feeling inside because I honestly didn’t know how to articulate myself.
The first time I thought I could feel better about myself was when I met a girl who was the niece of my Baby. She was much much older than me at the time. I was only 7 years old at the time. This girl that I am referring to would also baby sit us kids in substitution for her auntie when she had to run errands for a few hours. She was really really pretty, smart, and she always chewed sunflower seeds.
Every time her auntie would leave she would watch us kids until her aunt returned. I was one of the oldest at the time and there were maybe 4 to 5 other kids that she was left in charge of from time to time. She would ALWAYS be really nice to me and always offer me sunflower seeds. I still eat them because of her till this day.
One day this young teenage girl asked her auntie if he could take me over to her house and she would watch me as I played video games. Her auntie thought it was fine and so her and I began to walk out the door directly across the street is where she lived with her mother who was the sister of my babysitter which was her auntie.
After walking in her parent’s house I could tell no one was home, after she shut the door she proceeded to close the blinds takes offer her jacket and says to me in “a seductive way “do you wanna learn to fuck”? At that time no one has ever said anything like that to me! And why would they ? Im a 7 year old kid at the time. Not really knowing what to say I innocently told her “we can”.
she began to strip off all her clothes and mine. Even as a grown man I still can remember how at awe I was at how even more pretty she looked without anything on. She placed my hands on her hips and I still can remember how soft her body was as she instructed me to caress her breasts and petite body, she then told and showed me where to touch her next as she attempted to “teach”.
She would instruct me by saying “touch me like this”. These incidents would happen very often and afterwards she would always talk to me as if I was her age or older. She made me a lot more mature mentally in a lot of ways that I truly wasn’t prepared for. I normalized this situation for what seemed like months and months. It was normal to me and I expected it to happen every time we were alone and on more occasions than not it did.
Although it was messed up that she was a high school teen seducing a young child, in a twisted way she slowly made me feel more confident, more loved, and she always encouraged me to express myself when frustrated. I told her once in a innocent tone from my troubled soul that I didn’t know how to and she said WRITE YOUR FEELINGS DOWN.
Anytime I felt those dark feelings come back, I would write things down in my journal that I guarded with my life. I would sometimes cry endless amounts of tears writing on the paper over and over “I want to kill myself” “I want to kill myself” to “I’m going to kill myself”. Eventually the feeling would dissipate and I could pull myself together. I still wasn’t sure if this was going to work and I even felt silly because I thought about what my teacher or parents reaction would be if someone found what I was writing, but I trusted her so much that I told myself I will keep trying to express myself through writing.
After arriving home from the sitter’s house after school. I would no longer want to watch Ninja turtles or any other cartoon. I always wanted to now watch Rap music videos. This was because my secret lover would always watched them when her and I were together. For the 1st time ever in my short life span, I saw a emcee by the name of Snoop Doggy Dogg on the T.V rapping his hit song “Nuttin But A G Thang”. when I first heard the first 2 bars of his first verse “1,2,3, into the 4/ Snoop doggy Dogg and DR. DRE is at the door.” Instantly a light bulb in my mind lit up thats when I said” I can do that” from that point on I started to study trying to write rhymes.
Just as she told me I begin to write down what was going on in my head but more in a rhyme form as best I could. Each time I felt relief and a release of bottled up pain that I still couldn’t tell you till this day why or where that feeling came from. I wrote poetry and shortly after I began to discover how much I enjoyed creative writing and trying to make words rhyme it was unexplainable at how much joy I was getting.
Not long after that, we stopped going to that baby sitter and began to come home after school along with my little brother and my older aunt. Just like smoke going into the thin air the young lady seemed to disappear from my life. As I got older when I thought I wanted to see her I would just chew sunflower seeds and hold on to the memory of her and how she helped lifted me out of a deep dark dungeon. Only Lord knows what would have happened to me if i had never crossed paths with her.
Through the years of developing my love for the craft of rap, I started recording those thoughts on paper which became poetry then transformed into rhythmic speaking I called raps. Im now lucky enough to share music with new rap lovers everyday, Yes I had to go through something fucked up to get here but you know what? It was worth it.
Hip hop truly does have the power to change lives. Before you, I NEVER shared this story with anyone. The reason I felt compelled to share this story is because everyone has struggles and pains that were A LOT worse than mine were but with music, especially hip hop we can triumph over anything. No matter what you going through hip hop is here for you and here hoping that T. Will$ becomes your new favorite. For a chance to hear my new single “No Way” click here. It’s about overcoming your personal trials and storms. Just know, there is No Way for them to block your shine……. Click here to listen to “No Way”